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Leaky Canoe

by Phoebe Kreutz

You were gonna take the Jitney, but he said that he'll come by to drive you there and back in his Cadillac, 'cuz he's just that kind of a guy. And now you're cruising the Expressway and the exits are flyin' past And you're oh so glad that Billy drives so fast Cuz now you're in the Hamptons with Billy Joel You're gonna take a walk, you're gonna take a stroll He's gonna take you out for a lobster roll  In the Hamptons with Billy Joel Well, there's a garden party at Ina Garten's but he'd rather drive around Cuz it's not too far to a locals' bar out in Montauk that he found And there's a juke box in the corner and it's playing "Captain Jack" and Billy grabs a table near the back. And now you're daytime drinking with Billy Joel You talk an awful lot about a lot of soul And feelin' like a man but lookin' like a troll In the Hamptons with Billy Joel  His eyes are getting heavy and he's staring at the ground He signals to the barkeep that we'll take another round You ask him how he's doing and he tells you not so hot It's like he's always thirsty now and nothing hits the spot He thought he'd take some time off just to classic'ly compose but found he couldn't live without the cheering at the shows. He's selling out the garden like the way they said he would and people say he's awesome, yeah, but noone says he's good and noone likes the new stuff, he'll just play the hits and bow so he's stuck singing songs he wrote for wives who hate him now. He swears he's seen that river in the middle of the night. But lately he can't find cuz the lights are way too bright. And where are rosalinda's eyes? And where's his glass of wine? you want to call a taxi now but Billy says he's fine. And when you're in the Hamptons with Billy Joel He's gonna take a drive. He's gonna lose control. He's gonna wrap his car around a telephone pole. In the Hamptons with Billy Joel
They say god is a woman- all patient and wise and all of creation spews forth from her thighs. That doesn't sound likely. But, girls, if it's true: If god is a woman, she's got some explaining to do. Yes, I'd like to ask her (just to hear what she'd say) What's the story with childbirth? And Louis CK? And why'd men get a rocket? We got a leaky canoe. If god is a woman, she's got some explaining to do. If god is a woman, then I know her kind: She lavishes attention on randos in bars and leaves the girls she came with behind. She calls some women crazy and other girls fat. I've known a woman- I've been a woman like that Outside there's a party with plenty to drink. I'm hunting for tampons under some stranger's sink. Lord knows, we've all been there. Me too and me too. If god is a woman, she's got some explaining to do. If god is a woman, she's got some explaining to do.
That Dude 03:24
Oliver Baer is a very nice neighbor I see him on my street. A typical guy with a homemade light saber Like any other guy you'd meet. Oliver Baer's always nice to my mother He's chatty and polite From his friendly hello No one ever would know  What's lurking on his website Oh but That Dude is into some really weird shit That Dude is into some really weird shit That Dude is into some shit that's a surprise. That Dude is into some really weird shit Nothing illegal per se about it  But now that you've seen it, it's hard to meet his eyes Oliver Baer's written many a poem And he'll send you the link. Now you know things, you can never un-know 'em And you don't know what to think Cuz  That dude is into some tentacle porn He even writes his own tentacle porn He also seems critical of tentacle porn- It's all there in his zine. That is a dude who will write about loins, Blood and decay seeping out of some groins I'll wait right here while you check out what I mean When I was young, my block was a freak show We had junkies, punks and queens with purple hair. Where'd they all go? Now everyone's a bro. Everyone- except for Oliver Baer. Oliver Baer is keeping it real It takes a lot of nerve to write what you want and to say what you feel And tell the world, "Hey, I'm a perv!" Oh, that dude is into some really weird shit He is creating some really weird shit And people who make weird shit are the people for me. And I may not be into tentacle porn- Especially not after my baby was born- But I want to live where Oliver Baer feels free to be into some really weird shit
Effort 01:44
Oh, every person represents an awful lot of effort An awful lot of effort someone took Ev'ry person represents an awful lot of effort, No matter how unsavory they look. The world can seem to be a nasty nest of vipers But someone had to come along to change the vipers' diapers Every person represents an awful lot of effort indeed. I don't mean everyone was loved or had a saintly mother or snuggled in a cozy little bed. It might have been a total wreck- but one way or another, somebody had to see the wreck was fed. Somebody had to grow the baby. Someone had to birth it. (Though when I ride the L Train I'm not sure that it was worth it) All those nimrods represent an awful lot of effort indeed. Now that I'm a parent, I know the thing that only we know It makes it hard for me to enjoy the films of Quentin Tarentino Cuz Michael Madsen represents so many dirty bottles and tissues used to wipe his little snot And Steve Buscemi represents the "shushes" and the swaddles It makes it such a shame when he gets shot. And in the real world, when someone kills a person, That's years of work that cannot be replaced So if you're gonna kill someone, just think of all the effort 'Cuz that's the real human life you waste.
I always loved a country song Three chords and truth- you can't go wrong Those simple, sweet old tunes from days of yore But lately when I hear that swing,  I stop and think, "Wait, here's a thing: I wonder who the swingers voted for." I always loved the joyful noise That's raised by rural good ole boys The songs they learned from pappy's pappy's pap. But now I hear a banjo strum and just assume the strummer's dumb As plain as blue and red marked on a map Cuz I love this country And I love the countryside But I don't love country right now. Now, I'm not one to take a side Along a cultural divide And I know they've been a long time out of luck But lately ev'ry time I hear  a song 'bout trucks or trains or beer, I just assume the truck's a racist truck Cuz I love this country And I love the countryside But I don't love country right now. Of course, I must remember still: These are my people good or ill. I come from ancient West Virginia stock. So maybe in a year or so I'll take a breath and let it go 'Til then I'm gonna stick to indie rock Cuz I love this country And I love the countryside But I don't love country right now. I love this country And I love the countryside But I don't love country right now.


The world has changed a lot since Phoebe Kreutz first started singing about boys, bars, vikings and tacos back in the early 2000s. Full of human kindness, playful self mockery and a good amount of nerdiness,she searched back then for meaning in an endless parade of cheap beer and big books. The native New Yorker’s music was the perfect soundtrack for everybody who liked their singer songwriters quick-witted, quirky and profoundly funny.

Is there still room for these qualities in a world blown apart by Corona, climate crisis and a dangerously immature president?

Spoiler alert: Yes, there is!

With her new ep “Leaky Canoe” the self proclaimed joke folk singer Kreutz walks the line between outrage and affection, confusion and wisdom. Tuneful, fun and original, this tight collection of five songs proves the world is still worth exploring artistically - even during these strange times. With newfound maturity, she takes a frank look around, sharing her bafflement, frustration and hard-won joy.

The opener “In the Hamptons with Billy Joel” takes us on an imaginary booze-fueled roadtrip, using the aging American icon as a stand-in for all artists who feel trapped by their back catalogue. Struggling with his legacy and relevance, Billy eventually wraps his car around a telephone pole, still smiling through his misery and keeping an uptempo beat. A lifelong Joel fan, Kreutz creates a bittersweet snapshot of a tacky, tortured genius.

“If God Is a Woman” may be the most acid-tongued track on “Leaky Canoe”. Here, Kreutz rejects the feel-good feminism of a female god as she grapples with heavy questions of sisterhood and solidarity. What kind of woman would let Louis C.K. happen? Or menstruation, for that matter? “If God is a woman” Kreutz sings “she’s got some explaining to do”.

In the experimental dance pop track “That Dude” , we think we’re hearing a derogatory portrait of a weird character in Kreutz’s neighborhood. But soon, we find out we’ve been fooled! Weirdos are, of course, the most interesting people in any city! Kreutz reminds us that the freaks who hold out against the forces of gentrification and conformity are real heroes who deserve to be praised in song.

Five years ago Kreutz and her husband/musical partner Matt Colbourn became parents for the first time. The song “Effort” illustrates how your view of the world changes once you understand the amount of care that goes into raising every single jerk in the world. What is a human life worth? And can you still enjoy Tarantino movies after you’ve imagined Michael Madsen’s mom changing his diapers? A kids’ song for grownups or a grownup’s song for kids, this is Kreutz at her most forgiving.

The closing track and first single “Country Right Now” is a straight-up country song about hating country music- or at least what it represents at this moment in history. With the energy of an old-time mountain tune, she calls out the subtle racism and nationalism hiding just below the surface of so many country hits, while still offering a humane kind of patriotism and a beat you can square-dance to.


released February 12, 2021


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Lousy Moon Records Frankfurt, Germany

Lousy Moon Records is an independent record label based in Frankfurt/Germany. It releases limited vinyl editions and digital only albums and eps. All genres are welcome.

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